Its Labour Day! Yay! :D
Aaaaah- finally a break! Man, school's been fustrating with the mye's coming up.

I'm really really really really sorree i cried in class yesterday.
I really didn't want to! But i couldn't help it. I really didn't want to make a scene.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
My maths is failing, my mother toungue's a goner and my sciene's about to fail.
Sigh,
What can i do? I'm trying my best. And i don't want to fall to NA!
Another year in Sembawang Sec? No Way.


I need to buck up, but i seriously don't know how. I'm confused, lost really.
I don't know what to do. Even if i try, i fail.
Only god knows what's going to happen to me for this year.



After school, went to Sembawang Shopping Centre with;
Jia En, Siling, Adrinna and Farisah.
Even though it was called a "shopping centre", there wasn't really much to shop.
I did have lots of fun.
We went up and down, up wasn't really much to see, down was abit better.
But the whole place seemed abit deserted.
We did bump into some seniors who were doing "secret shopping". Haha ;D
We ate, we browsed through and we went home.

There are so many things that's been going through my mind during school.
But there has been one thought that has been in my head for sooo long now;

Jean Baptiste Maunier !♥

Aaaaah~
You should see him, he's soo well, good-looking, that his face can't escape my mind.
I really really really really wish that one day, i could meet in person.
Once we've met, we could be good friends!
I know it could never happen, but i wish it would.

His face is like an angel, and his voice; ouh myy gawsh!(sorree for sounding like a b*tch.)
Both his face and his voice are so angellic.
Another great thing is, he sings in french! Ah!-
Whenever i hear him sing or sees his picture, my heart feels fluttered or something.
Its like when you're close to the person you're having a crush on.
I even have butterflies in my stomach just hearing him or seeing his pictures.

If only, if only!; i could meet him or get in touch with him.
I know its like wishing i had wings.
Haaaaaaaaaaah~

I know i'm going to sound pathetic when you read this.
But i am what i am! And i am suddenly obsessed with; him.

When i see his face in my mind, i feel happy.
I almost feel that almost only him can make me feel this.
What about you? Have you made me feel such a way?
No. I don't think so. All you've ever made me feel is anger.
You don't know me! How dare you say such things. Its like as if you've known me all my life.
Maybe, i don't like him? Maybe i' just better than you?
Have you ever thought about that?

Why are you just so mindless? Why are you so stupid, so so, idiotic?!
It makes me angry when you conclude the wrong things and make it the truth about me.
You don't know me. Don't mock me. Just don't. I've enough of it.

Just stop.

Haaaaaaaaah-
Soo dizzy and giddy. Didn't go to school to day.
Actually, i was going to school, but halfway, i felt soo dizzy i almost felt like fainting.

Sigh.
I wish i wasn't this weak. I wish i was stronger, faster, better. Just like some.
I envy almost evryone, for their looks, stamina or whatever they have that i don't.

Butu i think its okay, i've occupied my time by watching this amaaaazing story;
Les Choriste.
Where do i begin with this story?
Its so touching. These boys who are orphans are "trapped" in a school of hell,
And forgotten by society and as a result, they have rebeled.
But a supervisor,Monsiuer Mathieu, a failed musician comes in.
He was inpsired by the kids to teach to them music when they were singing(teasing) him.

Soon, he had gathered his very own choir and even composing music for them.
Finally, he had thought, his music was played. I was very happy for him at that moment.
But honestly, this movie is really long, so- i can't tell you everything.

But there was this one boy, a "pretty boy", Pierre Morhange, who looks like angel, sings like one too.
Aaaaaaah~ you should hear him sing. It literally touches my heart that i could almost cry.
Aaaaaand- he has the most amazing face, its like could anyone be any more handsome?
To meet him up close, to meet him face to face, it would be one in a lifetime opportrunity.

A sudden obsession. With a guy. Shocking isn it? (I'm being sarcastic here.)
Finally, a face that would brighten up my day, don't get me wrong most of you do but,
He's so, angellic. I could never take my eyes OR ears off him.

And people, please pray for my 2.4km run and mye's!
Please pray! With my lazy bum, i can get nowhere with my studies. =.="

Pretenders; i'm one of them i admit. But they are those who deny they are one.

I can't stop pretending in front you, i seriously cannot show my true self.
But, ithink some of you can but you just don't want to.
You want to show others that you're better than them right?
Well, sorry to say but you're not. Face what you are.
Just face your flaws, your weaknesses, your imperfections; what you are.
I have, why can't you?

I can't see all of you like this. It makes me sick. But i don't want to hate any of you.
I really don't.
You may have the authority, you may be popular, you may be as pretty as ever,
But, you may also take what you have and abuse it.
When you abuse it, you get carried away, and that's where i think you're pretending.
Especially; a wannabe. You want to be what you're not.

There are some people, i don't wanna point out, are seriously making me pissed off.
I hate your attitude, i hate your uncontrollable emotions, i hate what you always bitch about.
When you say this, what do you expect ME to say?
When you cry, what do you expect ME to do?
When you show me your attitude, how do you expect ME to respond?

I've said what you've wanted to hear.
I've done what you've wanted me to do.
I've responded in a way that you've wanted me to.
What more do you want?

I sometimes think that you're all this for other people's attention.
Cause you're crying over nothing.
You might say it isn't your fault, but i think it is.
Even if it is, why cry about it? In school? These little things? I just think its pretty pathetic.
And i can't tolerate it anymore. I really feel like saying what i really want to say.
But i can't. Because i am your friend. This is what i've done for you.
What have you done for me? What will you do for me? I'm guessing nothing.

I just think that you'll just abandon me, like you did the last time.

Councillors;

You have been mistaking us for 'superheros' for so long.
I want it to stop. Now! Before i get friggin' mad.
We are not invincible, or super people or intelligent aliens.
We are human beings! I repeat! HUMAN BEINGS.

As human being we are allowed mistakes right?
Just as you teachers and other students are allowed mistakes.
We are just role models to the school. Its like we make the school "pretty".

In fact councillors should be allowed more mistakes,
even though we don't make mistakes that often.
We are more busy than any other student. We take up our time and our skills, for other students.
(I know, I'm reciting the pledge.)

Even though we are councillors, we are still people.
People forget to do their homework. People get tired. People get angry.
We are People! Not super people.

Please, if we make a mistake, don't say we are an embarassment to the school.
We are people, human beings who have just made a mistake.

Thanks for the cheers. It somehow gave me wings to fly back up to the edge of that cliff.
But still, there's something wrong with me. I still feel like i'm about to fall, again.
I want to change. I really do want to change for all of you. But its difficult. It really is.

I always thought that there'd be no one waiting for me wherever i turn.
I've thought wrong i admit. But honestly, i think wrong all the time; my mother claims it. ;P
There have been a few beaming lights shining on some people, showing that they are worthy of my trust and companionship.
But there has been alot of dissapointment. Too much really. The feeling is now stuck inside of me.
But right now, i feel like exploding. But i can't. I don't have the heart to do such a thing.

You may think that i literally have no heart, no feelings; but that's not true.
I just don't want to show it, i don't want to trouble those around me.
I cry when you're all gone. I pour it all out when you've walked away.
I put on a mask, flooded with my tears behind whenever you're around.
But i can't take it anymore.
I'll run away as far as i can if that is what it takes to not show;
These water droplets falling down my face.

Friendship is such a strong word.
I don't think i have it anymore. The trust i have given;
Is taken for granted, put aside, thrown away- worn out.
Why? What have i done to deserve what you've done to me?
I've repeated this. I know. But i still want to know>why?
Why aren't you there anymore whenever turn, looking for you? Why?
I may not be picture perfect, or a genius or whatever- but you're my friend.
Aren't friends supposed to be there for you? Aren't they supposed to stand by your side?
Isn't that what i've done for you?

I'm sorry if i can't be what you've wanted me to be.
I'm sorry, i really am.

Today was a pretty good day i must say. Except for the three-periods of English!
I love English and all, but almost two hours in the same classroom could drive you nuts!
I had netball after that.

Sigh.

I don't seem to have much close friends in that CCA.
I actually joined it to get to know the other malay girls better. But in the end, it somehow made me feel more alone than ever.
Is there something wrong with me? Or is it that i'm too quiet?
I'm trying my best to speak up, its just that i always seemed to be ignored.
Is it because that i'm no good at the sport?
Or is it that i'm too quiet? Or is it that you just don't like me?
What is it?



Even in class i'm sometimes feeling ignored.
The teachers don't really listen to what i say, my friends don't really seem to bother me anymore.
What's wrong? What's happening?
Am i just over reacting?
Even if i am, they would talk to me once in awhile.

I feel abandoned. Literally.
Even after netball, i thought there'd be someone there, waiting for me.
In the end, she was gone. I was 'abandoned'.
That pushed me to the edge. Right now, i'm falling as we speak.
I don't feel like i have anymore hope. Its gone, totally lost.
I'm sorry, for anything wrong that i've done. I'm sorry.


You can hate me if you want. I can't stop you neither can i do anything.
I'm sorry. I really am.
I can't help it if i'm like this.
I know i'm; stupid, ugly, really weak and totally not atheletic.
I'm sorry if i can't change for any of you.

But i just think that some of you should be sorry too.

Haha, I wouldnt' really say today was a series of events, but alot of things really did happen for me today.

You know what?
Today's rain was totally heavy. I love rain. But this was seriously scary.
A strike of lightning almost struck me! My jaw was opened like a hippo.
Super - scary.
I was under shelter, bt the way the rain poured, I was soaked!

At school;
First up, IH test.
Then, chemistry test.
After that, physics test.
Sigh. Too many tests. But- thank goodness all of the tests were only a few pages.

After school, had to teach the non-malays to actually speak malay.
It was absolutely hilarious.
The way the chinese spoke malay, it was pretty awkward.
But i'm sure if i spoke chinese they'd laugh at me too. :D
Joon Ming- forever hilarious. His face already says it. Hehs.

After that hilarious period, i went to the Melbourne results.
I was about to know if i was to travel to, uuh Australia i think.
But before the announcement, i went through my bag. And guess what?
I lost my friggin' handphone!
During the announcement, i was so nervous that i forgot all about my handphone.
The results were so suspenseful. Even though the teacher claimed that she didn't know how to create suspense.
Name after name was called out,
Then i heard my name! I was so excited! Aaaah-
But then i started thinking wether i was able to support for the trip.
I mean, we still have the Batam trip even though its only $100.

After the result, i remembered about my lost handphone.
Went to the office, but they claimed that no one turned it in. I was devastated.
Then i went to the locker, checked in there, but nada. Even more devastated.
Suddenly i heard Jannah saying about my handphone.
I checked it out, Mr Tamil was holding it.
I was so happy, even though it was only a few hours of losing my handphone. :D

I'm still thinking though, should i still go to Melbourne?
I'm afraid that my parents can't afford it. I can't see my parents being troubled.
Its so painful seeing them like that. Should i still go? Sigh.
Hope i can find a solution for the trip and for my Mye's. Please.

And people!- don't forget to pray for me for my 2.4km run! PRAY! ty! :D!

I don't want to hate you, but you make it difficult.
By 'you',
I mean alot of you.
I can't take it. I just feel like slapping each and every one of your pathetic faces.

If i'm ugly, you look at me in such way.
If i'm a pushover, you literally push me over.
If i'm not smart, you call me stupid.
If i drop my handphone, you say "awesome!"

What don't you like about me?
What have i done to you, to deserve what you've done to me?
Please. I don't want to spend the rest of my time hating you.
Cause you're not worth it. Low - lifes.

Why do you all think that you're the prettiest girl in the school?
Why do you all think that you're the smartest person on earth?
And why do you think that you're better than me?
If you do think you're any of these things,
Then wake the hell up sucker. You're not. You're an equal. The ONLY exception is;
If you're the queen of england. Which is, never gonna happen.

Sigh.
I don't like to do this. I made this blog so i could write "happy" things,
But it seems that is not gonna happen.

Just please, stop pretending. Stop thinking that you're better than everbody,
Cause it makes me sick. And the vomit might just end up on your face.


This does not include JIA EN! and some others.

Problems? I think i've found a new and more toturing meaning to it.

I've cried i won't lie. I'm emotional i admit it. I can't hold back my tears i'm sorree to say.
But there's one thing about me;
I don't like to make a scene. Trust me.

Even if i've cried, i don't think there's a point to it.
The wet droplets that falls down my face, my cheeks, are practically useless.
No one can help. No one can understand. No one knows.
Cause,
I'll never tell.

I'm a pretender in front of your faces i'm sorree to say.
A pretentious one in fact.
You can hate me, or you can try to understand me. You can try and do whatever you want.
But i'm sealed. Locked. The key?
Lost.
Its somewhere out there. I just can't seem to find it or even see it.

No one understands. Even if the words that come out of this mouth are almost common sense.
I'll try to speak, but something gets the better of me.
I could never tell;
How i feel, what i know, and what i want to say.
Its easy as 1+1. But it seems like 98 to the power of 156 to me.

I know i'm pathetic. You don't have to waste your time reading this.
You won't understand.
I'll never tell, and you never will.

I can't cry anymore. I can't bother anyone anymore with my tears.
I just can't.

Its the start of the not so long weekend.
With the piled up homework, "yay." =.='

Ugh.
Just wish i could get rid of everything i seriously hate.
People,
Nagging,
Homework.

Can't catch a break, but sure can catch the people that i'm disgusted with.
Is there something about me?
Is there some sort of thing that attracts these people?
If there is, i seriously need to get rid of it a.s.a.p!
Cause i'm kinda pissed off with these people right now.
I just can't take them.
I can't help them, i can't respond to them, i can't even talk to them!
What am i supposed to do?! Huh?!

I could just jump off a building right now.
With the Mye's coming and with my lazy butt; i'm doomed.
Who on earth can help me? No one, but my myself.
And "myself" is totally useless. What can i do? What?
I've got nothing. No brains, no pretty-like face, no atheletic-ness, NOTHING.

Oh No.

I'm cornered with failure.
I'm just a pathetic loser.

Man,
Today sucked to core. Didn't do my physics homework (had a totally valid reason!) then, got kicked out of class. With the councillor tie!
Technically, i DID my physics homework. Just 2/4 of it.
Hey, i tried.
Well, the teacher also said just four questions.
I just did half of it. I wanted to do it all, but i was sooooo sleepy. It was at least 11.30. And i was really tired cause of the sec 1 councillor induction.
And before i did my physics homework, i had to do my entire malay workbook!
Plus, i totally suck at mother tongue. So, it took me a friggin' long time to finish it.
But at least i didn't get caught while outside class.
Just my luck huh?

After THAT gruelling lesson,
I then had PSP! (not play station portable.) PSP; Peer Support Programme.
It was for the sec 1's.
Then i was late for a meeting afterwards.
We got a scolding, but honestly, i didn't know what it was about.
I think it was about the councillors being late to the meeting.
But come on, you gotta consider about we had to do during FT.
Plus, the sec 1's were pretty slow at understanding about what we were talking about.
So, can you blame us?! Come on, just be fair. Its not that hard.
Aaaand, to point out another opinion,
Isn't the councillor board supposed to be somewhat fun?
I know i know that its not ALL fun and games, but its becoming really annoying to attend meetings when you know you're gonna get scolded over the SAME thing. Its guranteed.
Last point;
COUNCILLORS ARE NOT SUPERHUMANS.
WE ARE NORMAL HUMAN BEINGS.
WE SHOULD BE ALLOWED MISTAKES.
WE SHOULD BE ALLOWED FOGET OUR HOMEWORK ONCE IN AWHILE!
If we are councillors, it does not mean we can do the impossible.
It just means we are role models, get it?! Better get it.
Cause i'm getting friggin' annoyed whenever some people say;
"You are an embarassment to council board." (in a squeaky way.)

Aaaaaaaafter that, had Scientific Thinking Programme.
It was pretty fun, to me.
Sat in an air-conditioned room for a few hours, then FREE FOOD!
Hahas.

And people! Pray for me on my 2.4km run!
Pray that i pass! PRAY! ;D

Feeling aloooot of pain right now.
Didn't go to school today. Great isn't it? Clapsclaps* ;D Hahas.
Cramp, cramp, cramp, cramp, cramp, cramp.
Too much pain.
Then i thought, what's the point of going to school if i can't even concentrate due to SOOO MUCH PAIN!
So i skipped school.
My parents are pretty understanding. If i'm in pain or sick then i'm in pain! or sick.
Hehs.

Rigt now i'm just spending my time here, and watching aloooot of anime.
Ugh. The story made me cry sooo much.
I couldn't help it.It was just so sad!~ Well, to me.
Couldn't stop crying. 'Till now tears are still coming out! ;[
Owuuuuuh~
There's only 25 episodes. IWANTSEASON2!- I know, i'm creeping you out right now.
But this is me. So deal with it, or get use to it. Heehs.

Still can't stop crying!~ I guess i'll just watch a different but FUNNY anime. :D

For the post before, i didn't really mean it. (eeek!-)
I was just really really really really friggin' angry. Had to pour it out before it exploded in me.

You know what? I've been getting the feeling lately that everyone seems to hate me.
Don't know why, but was there something wrong that i did unconsciously?
Or is there something wrong with me? Am just annoying like a blabbermouth?
A machine gun maybe?
Maybe its just me or maybe i'm right;
Everyone does hate me.

I look at people, i feel like they're making fun of me inside their minds.
I feel like a so called "mind reader" and i can hear their insulting comments in their minds.
Buuuuut; maybe i'm just overreacting about myself.
Is it that i'm insecure? I'm puzzled. Seriously.
I sometimes think that i'm just not good enough for these 'strangers' around me.

Its like; when you see a boy, and you would impress that guy so that what?; the possibility that he would be attracted to you right?
Well, that's not what i really feel.
Its like when I see guy, i just feel that i'm this nerdy, awkward girl and i'm not good enough for guys like this.
When i feel that, i feel that i'm not good enough for everyone. You get it?

sigh..

I don't think anyone would get me.
Not my parents,
Not my brothers or sisters or whatever,
Not even you.

You could try but i don't think you would be successful,
Cause i really hate pouring out feelings to another person.
But i'm really not pretending.
I just don't to trouble those around me just to comfort me.

Am i good enough? Or am just, strange or weird or whatever?
Am i?

I hate her. I HATE her!
Man, you're full of effin' shit you know that?!
God! What have i done? huh?!

You're just full of SHIT! I can't take you anymore! You're too effin' emotional you friggin' asshole!
If i didn't help you with one little effin' thing that makes me a bad person?
Fuck You.
Seriously, FUCK YOU! I hate you! I effin' hate you!
What have i done huh? I've been sucking up to you all this time!
What do i get from you? This fucked up attitude is what you're gonna give me?

Then fuck you!

I've done nothing, NOTHING but suck up to you, you effin' asshole.
I've been protecting you, you know that?
Every teeeny weeeny thing you wanna cry. You wanna get so fucked up.
Well, now I'm fucked up you effin' asshole. You're so full of shit nowadays you know that?

UGH!

I just friggin' hate you right now! Fuck you! Fuck YOU!
You piece of crap.

I've been helping you with whatever you friggin' needed. And this is what i effin' get?!
You throw my shoes out of the house, you splash water at me.
You need some friggin' help you know that? You need some effin' help you PSYCHO!

Just go back to what you were, is that so impossible? ISSIT?!
If you're gonna effin' change or at least buck up,
Then leave me alone, cause now;

You're just so FULL OF SHIT.

Everytime i visit blogs or friendsters or whatever, the one thing i would see them write is;
Have Originality.
But when i look throught their pics, or keep on reading their profile,
They're just copies! Clones! Duplicates!

Forever Be, With Me. Please.

Could i post again? I don't think its wrong. Oh, its my blog anyways. x]

ARGH! I hate it when my mother or father whatever just nags to me about what i don't do.
HEY! Give me a break. Its my holiday for god's sakes.
They themselves see that i've been coming home late from school almost EVERYDAY.
So, all i ask for is that you let me rest on my holidaaaaaay! Grr.

And quit nagging about what i don't do.
Don't you have eyeees?
I've been helping you with chores and things in the bloody kitchen.
So don't say i NEVER help! It gets on my friggin' nerves.
Let me ask something;
If i don't help you, does that mean that i don't love you>mother?
If i say it, then i MEAN it. So please just don't say it. Just, DON'T!

Just let me have my break will ya? Please.

F; is for friends that do things together! :D

U; is for YOU and ME! :D

N; is for aNywhere in Singaapoooore! :D

Hahas.

Today was fun fun fun fun and SUPER DUPER FUN! :D
Went out with Jia en and Lisa.
Went to Ang Mo Kio! I know I'm starting to sound pretty lame.
But, i'm me! YAY!

:DD :DD :DD :DD!!

My True Thoughts;

Jia En, and 'people', want like to know what always goes on my mind whenever i go to school?
First; i'd be thinking "Oh Gosh. I have to see their crappy faces again". Jia En should know who 'THEY' are.
Second; i'd be thinking "Oh Crap. Do i have to tolerate a broken spinning record and hear the same things over and over and over again? She seems to deny it, but its just SOO friggin' obvious. Sorree for this totally bitchy line, "LIKE DUH!". You like him, so? Big deal. Like i would care. I don't think anyone would really.
Third; i'd be thinking "Oh Gossh. I have to get to the bloody Malay class. It sucks. Even i suck AT it. So why on earth am i taking it?!"
Fourth [and lastly]; i'd be thinking "Oh YAY! Iget to see Jia en and those faces i just LOOOVE to see.

:DDDD. / <3333.

Actually, i could say i have terrific life; but there are some little bastards/bitches that just ruins it for me. UGH! Everytime i look at their faces i just wanna beat the crap out of them. I can't take the way they act so 'innocently' around people. It just makes me sick. And, you know; a true friend does NOT get angry with you just because you didn't sit beside her. Come on! i just need a little space! Is that too much to ask? Is it so hard? There are just all sots of people i have to tolerate with. I'm almost about to burst in anger just looking and talking with them everyday! Oh Gosh.

But its okaaaaaay, (=.=") as long as i have friends that are there for me, and doesent' bitch about the same things over and over again.

At least i have you; JIA EN! :DD I just hope you'll always be there for me. :D